Nothing feels right

Last Monday when I came on to blog I was tempting to let you all know that I should probably just take a break from the blog.  Running has been so "ugh" and I was getting into full summer mode which means I spend very little time on the computer.  I know, it's a miracle, but I do have times where I don't want to spend time on this time sucking machine.  Instead, I launched into a nice little pity party then ignored you all for the rest of the week.  I know I never owe an explanation for being absent from posting.  If anything everyone knows that life happens and that my life doesn't revolve around blogging.  And there is no rule that says I have to blog everyday or M-F either.  They are just ideals in my head that I like to stick to.

In those days that I took off I actually spent a lot of time venting talking to my friend Kristen, who isn't even a runner, just a good friend that helped me get some good perspective.  I know I could have gained great perspective from many of you as well.  My problem is that I like to fully talk things through.  I'm kind of a long winded, full of details person.  I always want to talk things through on here, but when I sit down and try to type it all out it doesn't always make sense.  I think that's why I like vlogging, I can express myself much better verbally.  Or at least I feel like I do.  But that just leads to loooong videos and I usually just stuff it all in until my mind explodes & I can't take it anymore.

Anyway, to go back & recap:  I fell & tore my glute/hamstring on May 11.  I tried running, very slow & easy for a few days before giving way to walking.  Then I went & saw my chiropractor who gave me some stretches that helped me tremendously.  After a few more days I decided to try running again.   Ding, ding, ding....we have a winner, I could run.  I was aware that I was slightly altering my form, I didn't think in a bad way, more a cautious lower to the ground way to keep it easy.  After a week of running 3-5 miles with ease I decided to bump things up.  I went out for a 8 mile run.  Oh, it felt so good & amaaaaaazing!  My body seemed to handle it quite well so I ran 8 miles the next day & the next.  Yes, that is 3 days in a row.  At about mile 6 of that last day my calf started to hurt.  Not in any settle way, but in screaming hopping mad fashion.  I should have stopped right then & walked, but I finished my run.  I had to get home somehow, right?!  Might as well be sooner rather than later. (It seriously makes sense in my head at the time).


Now any sane normal person might know that running 3 back to back days of 8 miles was over doing after an injury.  Although I'm convinced it wasn't the bump up in mileage, but the altering of my form.  My physical therapist told me once that your body can only handle doing something wrong/incorrect for so long and then it just gives.  For the next few days I could barely run (make no mistake I was out there trying) and I was frustrated.  On the plus side the initial injury was feeling much better, but now I had other pains that were rearing their ugly head.  Most runners know that it doesn't take much to make you feel like you will NEVER RUN AGAIN!  Or so it feels in the midst of injuries.

And that is when I posted last Monday.  I had been out for a quick 1 mile run that morning.  I knew I could not run with altered form so I went back to what I knew was right.  I told myself to take it easy, but I pumped out an 8:30 mile.  Now that's not fast by any means (at least not for me), but it's not slow either.  The problem is that the run felt so wrong and different.  Ok, sure I can go through the motions, but what good is that when everything else is off.  I then went out later that day, ran 5 miles at an 8 minute pace.  Again feeling all wrong and that just added to my confusion.  You'd think I'd be happy with what I ran, but I knew that nothing felt right.  *insert the beating head against the wall moments, several of them!*

After hammering things through with Kristen several times (I should give her my biggest trophy just for putting up with me) I came to a few conclusions.  First, let's clear up that sure maybe...MAYBE I shouldn't be running.  In fact my dr. & my chiro told me no running.  Which I didn't for about 10 days, I walked.  Which is not the same thing as running.  Sure I was still logging 3-5 miles a day, which is still exercise & strain on my injury.  I was keeping it up to maintain my streak, but it's also just not an option to sit around & do nothing.  So it's not the end of the world if I break my streak & not run at all for a few weeks.  I DO realize that.  Call it what you want, but I'm just not ok with that.

I also realized that my while recovering my body wants to do all sorts of funky things.  I have to really keep on top of my form.  By forcing my body to keep in line it's putting some stressors on other muscles.  When I won't let my body do what it wants, when I'm forcing it to do what is right, it's hard work.  Harder than usual.  Normally my body falls into line on it's own, when it's healthy and strong.  I'm aware my body is not 100%.  So it's taking a lot of work, work I'm not used to.  Of course, nothing feels right, it's not right.  I refuse to see this in black & white.  I refuse to say that because I can't give 100% that I should give 0%.  That because I'm not or can't be strong & healthy I should become weak & out of shape.  That because I can't run strong, fast & with ease that I should not run at all.

Yes, I need to continue to recover, take it easy & account for my injury that is still healing.  Things are going to feel a little off & different.  But I'm going to keep on going.  I may need a little extra help in keeping from the pit falls of being overly frustrated.  I need to give myself more time.  It's been 5 weeks, more than likely I need 6-8.  I'm leaning toward 8.  If I start to whine & complain, just slap me.

Phew, ok, thanks for hanging in there for this long post.  See, if I had just told y'all this all along I wouldn't build up and explode, neither would I have hashed it all out in one big, long post.  It's ok, you can say "well, duh, I could have told you that!"  Thanks for having my back & being there for me :)

I'll leave you with some pictures from Father's Day.  It was also a special weekend because my mom turned 60 on Saturday & my dad turned 60 TODAY!  We had it all crammed into one weekend!!

Happy 60th Birthday Mommy & Daddy!  I am honored & blessed to have them in my life!

The usual crazy affairs of our family on Father's Day