Wednesday, October 19, 2011


It's been a rough week.  Not really running wise.  I've run everyday so far.  Hooray!  That's good.  I did just talk myself out of running a double today.  The weather is ick (dreary and REALLY windy) and mentally I don't think I can make it.  Well, not completely true, but it's what I'm telling myself.  It's partly true, but it's completely true that I have a house that needs my attention.  Although I am taking the time to blog, as soon as I hit enter, I have a million loads of laundry to fold.  I bargained with myself that if I run on saturday it is ok to take today off.  To seal that deal, I texted my trusty friend Angela to run with me.  It's fail proof.

Mentally it's been a rough week.  Is the world coming to an end?  No. (Even if it was, I'd be signing "Glory Hallelujah".  Take me home Jesus....TAKE ME HOME!)  Are there worse problems out there?  Absolutely.  To me's been really rough.

I found out Monday evening that my cousin Dustin died.  This hits hard in a couple of particular ways.  Ways that I don't normally talk about, but it's my blog and I'm feeling very transparent so here it goes.  Although some of the details are a little sketchy we know that Dustin died of an overdose of drugs.  He was only 26 years old.  His mom also died this exact same way 24 years ago.  Her death was the first I can ever remember experiencing.  I was so young and it was so hard.  It changed my world, my family, my everything.

I don't even remember the last time I saw Dustin.  I want to say it was 1998 or so.  He turned into a juvenile delinquent and took off at some point, only to never return.  I am very "family is family" orientated, so it doesn't matter that it's been years since I've seen him.  I'm bonded to him, forever connected and full of memories of him growing up.  So this loss is hard for me.  I have thought of him from time to time.  I have tried to look for him on facebook, do internet searches, etc.  I'd ask my Grandma & his sister about him and all that anyone ever really knew was that he was in Florida.

For some reason, it took the state of Florida 5 days to track down my Grandma & notify her.  They are working to bring his body back, give him a proper burial and bury him next to his mother.  I'm only guessing that too much time will have lapsed to have a body viewing.  I know that sounds morbid, but I want to see his body.  I want that closure.  I want to bid him an earthly good bye.  I am a visual and memory driven person.  Looking an a closed casket will not be enough. 

This also gives me deep thought to my own struggles with suicide.  It's fairly not known unless I tell someone that I have some history in this area myself.  Yeah, I know "everyone" thinks about it from time to time.  But having tried on a few occasions and obviously failed (if I had to fail at something in life, thankfully it was this!) it brings a whole new perspective and aspect to the subject.  I've had great success in overcoming this struggle. At least in a literal sense.  I don't think it ever goes away mentally 100%.  Some have even suggested that it could be hereditary.  I don't know.  However facing the reality of it now with my cousin brings a lot of thought, hurt and more awareness to this subject.

My running has been very thought filled this week.  With all of this weighing heavily on my heart it changes how I run.  I will have to expand on that more in future posts.  I certainly have a lot to blog about with this subject.

1 comment:

  1. My heart goes out to you, gf. Two deaths in a week...that's a lot to handle. All I can think to say is I love you and I am so glad we share a God that is bigger than all your hurt right now. I'll be praying for you, my friend. ((Carmen))