Go Ahead......LAUGH

For your viewing fun, pleasure and because you might need a really good laugh, I made this vlog post for you.

First, here are some pictures I took during my 2 hours in the dental chair.  I also got a lot of reading done and listened to my ipod the whole time.  So I didn't mind.  Once you take away the long pointy needles pushing into my gummy flesh and the sounds & smell of drilling away at my teeth it was really a very relaxing visit.  Not to mention my dentist does a great job at taking his time (which I take as taking time to do the job right), making sure I'm comfortable and is just great all around.

This was taken when I only had 1 area numb.  I ended up with 3 total.  So this is not as bad as it is in my video. 

 I actually didn't mean to take this picture.  I was trying to use my camera to look into my mouth.  I actually *hate* the look of my mouth when it's open like this.  Too much metal, reflective of my extensive fillings through out the years.  It actually looks slightly better than in the past because of my new crown on the lower left side that I had done in natural color.  Since I'm sharing about this ridiculous, albeit normal, and maybe just not blogged about very much aspect of my life I included it.  Open up and say AHHHHHHHHH.

And for your kicks today...enjoy the video. My kids were on the floor laughing so hard. If I didn't know any better I'd say I had a little too much happy gas. But this dental office ( Galva Family Dentistry ) doesn't use that. So I guess it's fair I'm just being my normal quirky self.

Year in Review

I so don't want to do this.  I could easily not, no one says that I have to.  For a few reasons though I will.  A) I see a lot of other bloggers/runners doing it.  Yes, I can be a total copy cat.  So what.  B) I think I need to put it out there to help set goals and some serious accountability for next year.

I will be honest, though, there is a part of me that is struggling with the whole low self esteem.  I just want to beat myself down and say "see, you are not that great at all.....in fact, YOU SUCK".  And that comes when I just compare myself to myself.  Never mind the craziness that flows through my head when I *gulp* compare myself to other totally awesome runners (and I don't mean the Kara Goucher kind...duh, I'll never be like her.  I mean the other sahms just like me).  Don't judge, you probably do that too from time to time.  Even though I put this out there, I know better.  I don't need the lectures.   I am me and love me for who I am.  Sure, I can leave some room for improvement, but really I AM AWESOME!

Maybe it's just better to say that I've had a fairly sucky  year.  Here are my stats to show why:

Total runs: 131
Total miles run: 653.11
Duration: 102:40:03
Average pace: 9:30

Let's break that down.  Total runs.  131.  Really?!?!?  There are 365 days in a year.  That leaves 234 days that I didn't run.  Total suck.  Miles run: 653.  The reason this bothers me so much is that I can run 20-30-almost 40 without thinking too much about it.  Those 653 include almost 100 of those crazy long distances.  So in terms of training (and not racing) I only ran a little over 500 miles.  That doesn't even make sense.  I said it before that I know I can put out the distance with little to no training.  What awesomeness could I unleash if I took my training seriously.  I'll be honest, I don't know what to do about it.  I DO NOT like following a plan.  Ick!  Oh, I love structure & predictability, but do not box me in and tell me what to do. Anyway.  Duration & average pace: I talk about this in a previous post.  I'm very neutral about this fact.  Neither happy nor sad.  I know 9:30 is still a good pace, especially if I am running really long distances.  It only bothers me in the sense that the previous year my average pace was 8:30 and before that 8:00.  In terms of comparing me to me, this slightly (ok, really) sucks.  Running wise I'm still happy.  My pace is not what makes or breaks me.  I enjoy my running for it's running.  Plain & simple.

Next year: I'm at a standstill.  I don't have any very specific goals or races.  I think that is because of the year I'm coming off, my hope & ambition is sort of crushed right now.  I don't think it can get much "worse" than this.  Unless I don't run at all.  That would be a total nightmare.  Anyway, so I had a total sucky year.  Perhaps I needed to sink down this low to be able to move back up.  I know something needs to change, but will tackle that in the coming days with the fresh new insight of a new year.  One thing is for sure, I'm not giving up!!  We'll see what 2012 brings me!!

Have a Happy New Year everyone!!!!

Making it count

This week has been going miserably in exercise terms. Last week, Wednesday, more specifically, was the first day the kids had no school. I went to the Y and spent 3 whole hours there. It was awesome! I ran, lifted a full set of weights for upper & lower body, did some ab work and finished off with a 1/2 mile swim. Yeah, bay-bee, that is what I'm talking about! I would love to do that everyday! I figured with this 2 1/2 week Christmas break I was so gonna rock it Carmen style. Then....

Then....the holidays set in. Because I had stalled so much on any Christmas preparations I was left going non stop and with little sleep. That set me up for an epic fail with the great & awesome exercise plan. Oh and it also set me up for a lot of high calorie, junk food, non stop snacking binges. I've never denied that I LOVE FOOD! Mmmmm, nom - nom - nom, get me something to eat now! Healthy or not, just get me some food and nobody gets hurt!

Ok, but hey, it's the holidays! Enjoy it! I only live once. I will only have 1 Christmas where I'm 35. This is it! I'm all about everything in moderation and eating healthy, paying attention to calories in vs. calories out...blah, blah, blah. There are a few times where I'm like "screw it!". Just forget it all and live in the moment and just not care. This has been one of those times. While it's all great at the time, I fully realize that it all catches up to me and I must take the time to undo what I have carelessly, albeit blissfully, done.

Another aspect to this all is that with the kids off of school, my mojo and normal schedule gets all out of whack. Having 6 kids is demanding, even when most of them are older. They demand my attention and want to *gasp* spend time with me. I embrace the whole "I only live once" philosophy in many areas of my life especially with my kids. This will be the only Christmas where I have a 16 - 4 year old. Enjoy it! I am taking advantage of the late night movie marathons, the making cookies and treats all day, the let's deep clean the living room now that I have 6 extra helpers to make it go faster days (hey, who said everything had to be done on their terms and to their advantage?).

As much as I am embracing & enjoying this all, I still can't ignore the effects it has on my body. Since it has been a week it is REALLY adding up!! Mentally I'm always making plans for this workout and that workout. The reality of the above mentioned 6 kids at home, keep thwarting my plans. Which is ok to a large degree. It just makes me think outside of the box. So when I took the kids swimming last night I turned it into a workout. I did not stand still while in the pool. I ran/jogged in place or did lunges and squats. If we ventured into the deep end I did not take any floatation device with me or hang onto the sides. I had to tread water the whole time. A few times I had to do that with a 4 year old attached to my neck. That IS quite the workout. The living room we deep cleaned required a lot of lifting a moving since I not only cleaned but re-arranged the whole room.

My point though is I don't have to spend 3 hours at the gym to call it a workout. Life is a workout! At least my life is and I have no doubt many of yours is too. If you find yourself short on time or sleep and just can't get it all in like you want to. Find little ways to work it in and make it count. It's better than nothing. I reminded a running friend recently when he lamented about his speed that he is faster than the person sitting on the couch. Sometimes that is all that matters.

Christmas: Peterson Style

I know it is only Christmas Eve, yet we are done with our Christmas with the kids.  This is a tradition that we started many years ago.  Since we always travel on Christmas day (we have only spent 1 Christmas at home with the kids) we want the kids to be able to enjoy their presents (mostly toys) before we pack up & head out of town.  There is no fun in opening gifts the night before or the morning of then saying "ok, leave it all, we have to leave".  So we started opening gifts no later than December 23.  Sometimes it has even been the 22nd or 21st.  Whatever floats our boat depending on what we have going on, if we are ready and how anxious we are to get the kids their presents.

I will admit this year has been very hard and just plain different for us (perhaps mostly me who "does" most of the Christmas stuff).  Jim & the kids put up the Christmas tree while I was in Mexico.  Part of me wanted to protest that they didn't wait for me.  Yet, I knew that it was a detail that I had to just not worry about.  Then when I thought I would have had 2 free weekends to shop & prepare, we ended up devoting to the last moments of our good friend Joy who, at the age of 43, lost her battle to cancer after only 3 months of diagnosis.  That has been really hard on all of us and that really just changes your whole perspective on life and such.  Especially Christmas & what it's really all about.  The birth of our Lord Jesus Christ is what our focus should be.  Considering our dear friend just entered into the presence of our Savior, we should be thinking about and HAPPY about nothing else this holiday season.

Part of me just didn't care about any presents whatsoever.  And even though, I am a HUGE giver, I even resorted to not giving any presents to anyone except our kids.  That was REALLY hard for me.  I said I would at least bake something for people, but for the most part I just didn't have time.  The last few weeks have been busy crazy with something going every single night and many of my days packed as well.  Don't forget we have a birthday last week too. All added up, by Wednesday, December 21 I did not have one single present bought.  Finally instinct and human nature kicked in and within less than 24 hours I had all presents bought & wrapped ready to go.

So, per tradition, last night we had our Peterson family Christmas.  Jim "disappeared" for about 2 hours leaving me frustrated and about to lose it.  Unbeknown to me though he set on out a quest to get me what he knew I really wanted for Christmas.  He had pretended to not know what I wanted & kept asking me for hints & ideas about what to get.  I didn't want to outright tell him....yes, I admit, I felt like he SHOULD know what I've been aching for.  Long story short, cause I never told you guys about it, I accidental ruined my ipod  touch that he had gotten me for me birthday day a year & a half ago.  I've worked really hard to not whine & complain or feel entitled to one, but I wanted another one really really bad.  Even then I didn't feel like I deserved one or deserved to ask for one.  So I didn't want to tell him that is what I wanted.  Anyway, he went missing and I was a little ancy & impatient about WHHHHHHY he was nowhere to be found.  Lo an behold he DID go on a quest to get what I wanted, but since it was last minute there was none in stock in our town so he drove 45 minutes away to hunt down, find & buy one just for me.   (heart warming awwwwwwe)

Jim saved the night & we were able to all sit down & open presents and enjoy time with just our kids.  Today they are enjoying their gifts and I am getting some baking/treat making done.  So enjoy our pictures from last night.  Please do stop & consider the real reason for Christmas.  It WILL bring you greater joy than any ipod, toy, gadget or anything you get this holiday season.

Merry Christmas from the Peterson Family Zoo

 and especially those animals

(side note about the pictures, there was face painting at the mall so some of the kids had things on their faces.  I wasn't worried about us looking picture perfect.  I like to capture us just as we are.)

Team Tough Chik

I am beyond excited to be introducing a new running adventure. I came across this racing team through another blogger that I follow.  I honest don't remember how I came across this awesome running mom blogger.  But I have been following her blog for several months now.  It's one of the attributing factors that helped me start this blog, She Runs Everywhere, to also share my running & life with you all.  Tonia also gets the credit for introducing me to Team Tough Chik . She posted about it, so I check it out and now I am also part of this team.

Having run track & cross country in jr. high & high school, I know all about being part of a team.  But, I have never been part of a racing team.  There are many out there.  I've seen & heard about them, but never pursued being part of one. Not sure why.  Just because, I guess.  This one caught my attention though and it gets the honor of being my first racing team ever.  Who knows if I will pursue other teams.  For now, I am very happy & excited to be part of this one.

Since having joined I have been connected with several other racing women (both running & biking) all around the world.  Mostly local, meaning within  North America, but we have a few others.  So we can rightly claim that we are a global team.  Many of these women also blog and race in a wide variety of capacities.  It has been very inspiring.  There is a big sense of us being one big community that just gets each other despite our differences.  We are united as one under the claim that we are ONE TOUGH CHIK!

If you are a woman (sorry guys!) and want to join me & the many others....don't wait!  You can only join through January 1st to be part of the 2012 team.  It will be fun and a new adventure...,.I can't wait!!!!

Speed....I am speed.

You know, I am the mother of two boys and it goes without saying that we've seen the movie Cars a million and one times.  So anytime I say or think the word speed, my title phrase pops into my mind.  I can't say that the topic has consumed me, but it's fair to say it's on my mind.

Just to clarify, I am referring to my lack of speed or maybe it's more of my loss of speed in the last few years.  I fully realize that speed is all in the eye of the beholder.  In terms of running & racing, speed is extremely relevant depending on who you are talking to or running/racing with.  If you ask Ryan Hall about me, he'd likely say "WHO?"  But if you ask Rob Buck he'd likely say "she is the best runner EVER". (ok, maybe not best ever, but he is quite the supporter & "fan", check out his blog!)  More than likely those reading this will not know one or both of the people I just mentioned.  So it's fair to say I'm no Olympic or nationally known runner, but I fair quite well within the local/area spectrum.

Anyway, I've been running since I was 10 or so.  I don't remember exactly when I started.  I was a kid.  Who doesn't run as a kid?!?!?!  I've just always been running.  Anyway, I had speed and didn't know it.  Or realize it.  Or really didn't believe that me & my speed could do awesome things.  So I sat in the backseat and let other peers do awesome things with their speed.  There was a short period of time where I began to believe that I could really be good at running.  All it took was a newbie freshman team mate who thought I was all that & a bag of chips.  So I began to believe and try and work at this.  I was right on the verge of becoming one of the best.  In an instant though, all it took was a cutting remark from another team mate who told me "I would NEVER be a good runner" and it all faded away.  (This is all part of a much bigger, soon to be released post, that details more of my personal history and why I am they way I am).

It wasn't until I left home & joined that Army that my potential was released.  Heck ya, they believed that I was awesome.  For the first time in my life someone believed in me & my running awesomeness.  However, my choice to have a family outweighed anything else I wanted, running or not.  And that is not a bad thing.  I would not give back any one of my children to gain anything in the running field.  So as quickly as my running began to take off, my life changed course and never went back to being the same.  I spent my prime running years giving birth to many precious gifts from God and making my life with Jim.  Not to mention with time I got *gasp* older.  Neither is a ideal for improving my running skills.  Surprisingly though I maintained my speed though out all those years.

As I mentioned in my previous post my running has drastically changed in the last 3 - 4 years.  Everything from how, when, where & why I ran changed.  My habits changed.  My point of views changed.  I would actually say I had learned a lot from those baby bearing years and had become a "mature" runner.  (Not to be confused with being a know it all runner.  Cause I don't have it all figured out or know it all!)  Slowly, but surely I have seen MY speed slip away.  (I put an emphasis on MY because I really am talking about comparing myself to myself.  It is the only right & fair person to compare one's self to).

In many ways I am ok with getting slower.  Sure some people can run a marathon just as fast as they can run a 5k and maintain that insane speed for 26.2 miles.  Rest assured, I am not one of those people.  So, the fact that I run 13.1 or 26.2 or 36 miles (my current longest run to date) at a slower pace than my 5k is O.K. with me.  In fact, it makes perfect sense.  So that means it would make sense that my training for such events would take on a slower pace.  I saw a minute slip of my average time the first year.  Now, looking back over this year I have seen yet another minute slip off my average pace.  I'm not sure how to feel about this.  Am I ok with this?  Something tells me no.  But what am I going to do about it?

Believe it or not, I think part of it is attributed to my ceasing of treadmill use.  I actually think I need that bad boy to move me.  To force me to move my legs at that faster speed.  When I run outside I often run alone, I think that lack of accountability or someone challenging me has made it easy to settle back into my current pace.  In fact, I know if I want to run at a faster pace, all I have to do is join up with some guys from a local running group & they will challenge & move me.  Buuut, no offense guys, I like running with you, I really do, but I don't want to run with smelly male species that find amusement at how loud they can fart.  I can only handle you so much.  Now...give me a female running group that swaps birth stories, mothering tips and vent about their argument with their husband the previous night.  Oh yeah.  Bring it on.  We do have some like that in our community, but they meet sporadically and not enough for what I need.  So I'm constantly challenged in this area.  Treadmill vs. outside.  Running group vs. running alone.  Men vs. woman.  I'm not all or nothing in this area.  I need a little bit of everything to keep me moving & challenged.  Yet it seems to be a lot more all or nothing.

I've rambled on enough about my & my speed "issues".  I'm trying to give you more insight of who I am.  I'm not a surface type person.  I go deep into who I am and if others let me, who they are.  That's not easy to sum up in a few short sentences or paragraphs. So bear with me and I plunge deeper from time to time.  I promise all my posts won't be this long & in depth.

Where my speed goes from here has me wondering. I have a planned 5k coming up.  I'm interested to see if my whole I need a treadmill for speed theory will make a difference in this upcoming race.  Until then, if you see me bouncing around, chanting things around speed, I'm just being my usual quirky self.  Nothing wrong with that.

Confessions

This is partly a running blog.  As much as I L~O~V~E to run, the rest of my life very often takes over.  And even though people think I run "all the time" or in "crazy, insane" amounts, it really is only a small sliver of my daily life.  Lately I haven't been too great a writing about my running.  For a few reasons.  The above mentioned, of course.  I am one versus seven others who demand my love, time, energy & resources.  Also because, I've been hiding a secret.

I have found no good way to tell you all this.  So I just didn't say too much at all.  I'm sure you will all still love & accept me just the same.  But, I......have been running on a treadmill. *annnnnd cue dramatic music*  I know you all think I'm crazy, but this has been kind of a big deal to me.  I haaaate running on treadmills!!!!! 

I have not always been this way.  In my past I did nothing but run/train on treadmills.  I had to.  With 4 kids ages 5 & under.  In a town where I didn't grow up & didn't have many friends.  I had no other option.  I had to use the Y treadmills and only during the babysitting hours to get my running done.  Back then I never raced any more than a 5k and I never ran any longer than 5 miles.  That has changed over the last 3 - 4 years.  I now have older children who can stay home unattended.  If not then I have plenty of friends to help out with watching them.  I also run a lot longer and my races seem to have no ceiling on how long or how far I can go.  Running & training on a treadmill doesn't make sense anymore.

Within the last few years I also transitioned to being an outside and early morning runner.  I loved being outside! And I loved having my run done by first thing in the morning, leaving my day wide open to the rest of my life.  It really started as a way to hang with some girlfriends who were going on a weekly run together in the early morning hours.  It doesn't seem as scary or intimidating to run with a group of people when it's dark outside.  Or when that big rottweiler chases you down the road, you have your girlfriends there to shoo her away.  It was an all too perfect situation.  But, we know all good things often come to an end.  Soon our little group dissolved and yet I was hooked on the outdoors and predawn workouts.  So I pushed on forward, by myself.

Lately though, I've been having a lot of problems with my legs.  Things were beginning to hurt all the time.  I was frustrated on many levels.  This whole running by myself wears on me.  I do have one person I consider a running partner, but it only works out for us to run together every 6 weeks....maybe.  Honestly, it's hard to find someone who will get up at 4 a.m. and run like a maniac.  With the season changing & it is darker and colder I just found myself struggling.  The two combined left me not wanting to run at all.  I knew I had to do something.

That is when I moved indoors.  In some ways I hate it!  The first few times was torture.  I had not been on a treadmill in probably 9 months or so.  How boring is it to look straight forward.  Sure they have t.v.'s right in front of me, but I"m not a big t.v. watching person.  And I'm surrounded by people.  Who probably look at me and wonder "what is she doing?!?!" when I sing, clap or dance to whatever song I am listening to.  (Yes, I do those things often and with great gusto I run alone).  Maybe that is a little cocky to think that people look at or notice me.  I'm not even sure why I care.  I like being me. 

I've been sticking with the treadmill only for my running.  It's a complete love/hate relationship.  Since I started though I have not had any of my usual aches & pains.  None.  Gone.  If I watch myself in the reflection of the window I can watch  & evaluate my form.  That is a good thing because I do believe a lot of my problems stem from this.  I'm also hoping this will help me with my speed.  A whole other subject that I will leave for another post.

For now, I finally have my big secret out there.  I plan to stick to this through December.  Then I want to mix in some outdoor running.  I miss it.  I step outside almost every morning & no matter the weather I take a deep breath & think.....oh this would be great to run in!

Amazing

I came across this on Donald Miller's blog.

Is that not amazing?!?!?! 

This spoke to me on so many levels & in so many areas, I just had to share.  I wish I could come up with just the right words to post for you to convey how this touched me.  Yet, I have sat here for close to an hour, writing and re-writing a post that just can't seem to come together.  I have this imaginary pile of crumpled up papers around me.  So frustrating!

At least, I can share.  Maybe someday it will all come together for me.  Maybe not.

Conversations

I was out at the mall last night doing gift wrap for the GHS band boosters.  A gentleman came along and started conversing with me.  Not generic conversation.  One on one personal conversation.  Problem, though....I have no idea who he was.  I wasn't coming up with a name to a face.  He seemed to keep it simple and short and if I had any doubt if I really knew him or him me, he referred to my husband by first name.  D'oh!

Later on he came back.  This time he wanted something wrapped so I had to continue to talk with him like I knew exactly who he was.  He had plenty of conversation to offer while he stood there & I wrapped.  He asked about what sports we (our kids) are playing right now.  He told me the name of his son, however at that crucial moment he had shifted his plastic bag in his hands & I didn't hear his son's name.  Based on what he was telling me though I figured out he has a 6th grade son.  Great....that narrows it down to a few hundred boys.   I kept trying to sneak glances at his face hoping to get a good look and have a ah-ha moment.  That is hard to do while focusing on wrapping a present, carrying on the conversation and trying to not look too creepy or flirtatious in the process.  I offered him a gift tag and watched while he filled it out hoping to at least get a first name.  Nope, the gift was from SANTA!  Good grief, can I catch a break?!?!?!

The whole thing amused me and I had to keep from laughing out loud right there on the spot.  I considered just saying...dude, I have no clue who you are.  But the guy was so nice, I didn't want to break his spirit OR let's be honest, make myself look like an idiot.  I finished his present & sent him on his merry way.

Hurry!

Hopefully you will get TWO posts today.  By making said statement I'm hoping to come through for you all.  I did already start one post, but realized it's a little too deep for me to hurry through.  And I am in a hurry.  For a few reasons.  I'm trying to get the whole blogging thing done right away in my schedule, that way when time doesn't go my way I don't feel too bad for not getting it done.  I notice a lot of bloggers get their posts done first thing in the morning.  Although my morning often starts on average at 5 a.m., that is TOO early to blog.  Those first moments are saved for time with God and running/exercise.  Sorry you are not at the very top of my list.  (But pretty darn close!)

Anyway, I'd love to avoid this day like the plague.  Since, I have to go to the dentist.  *Aaaaaahhhhhh*, did someone just scrape their fingernails down a chalkboard.  No?  Really?  Cause that is what I hear every time I say the word dentist.  I mean, really can't I just run 100 miles today & not go to the dentist.  How about give birth?  I'd rather give birth ANY DAY instead of going to the dentist again.

In case you are not following my clues I DO NOT LIKE GOING TO THE DENTIST!!!!  Even though, at one time, I deeply aspired to be a dentist.  It's not the dentist himself, it's just what needs to be done.  Since I was not blessed in the littlest bit in the dental gene area this area has me whining & crying like a rotten toddler.

I am happy to report that I did run 5 miles today and swam laps in the pool (I forgot to count my laps, but I'm guessing at least 10).  Alright, I'm avoiding the inevitable.....off, I go.

(Insert title here)

I'm so not feeling the creative juices in terms of a title for this rambly mambly blog post.  Why does there need to be one anyway.  Oh, yes, because I'm OCD and just can't go without one.  Will drive me crazy.  Short drive, huh?!!?!  So insert your own, or just read on to what I had written to begin with:

A week!?!?!?!  How could you let me go a week and not blog?!?!?!? (yes, it's totally YOUR fault).  Actually, I did START to blog so that should count for something.  I just didn't finish that post.  It's still sitting there, waiting until who knows when.  I might break down & make it into a vlog since it will take me an eternity to get it all written down.  The only reason I haven't yet is A) time and 2) I was afraid of breaking down & crying too easily.  I know y'all are being understandable about me just getting back from Mexico & then losing my friend Joy to cancer.  *siiiiigh*, yeah it has been rough.  But really, I'm O.K.!  (That's a lead to whole other blog post, so I'll just leave it at that).

Since I have you here I'm sure you will more than understand, that if I don't post this now and get out the door I will not get a workout done at all today.  Well minus my pilates class this a.m.  Or even if I don't workout I will not get all my housework done.  I'm at my daily dilemma.  Go workout OR get a lot of stuff done in the house.  I know it's a win-win no matter what.  But I either workout and not get all my housework done OR get all my housework done and feel like I am a fat cow.  Yes, I said FEEL.....I realize that I am not!

I'm having this dilemma more than usual as I have changed my training habits (note, I did not say plan) for the time being.  I KNOW, I have not told you about that YET.  Again....a whole other blog post that I have mentally written yet failed to get it onto this actual site.  If y'all could just tap into the vast craziness of my mind you would be hooked up with all sorts of great stuff.  Ok, so I'm off now.  I have posted.  I feel a little better about my slacking blogging habits.  Time to get some work done!!!!

Hammer Time

Per usual, I have so much to blog about.  What I really want to blog about, I don't want to.  Wait, does that make sense?  I want to write this big beautiful post about my friend Joy, who lost her battle to cancer last night.  However, I know that if I "go there" I will sit here bawling.  I have already bawled bucket loads.  I'm honestly cried out at this time.

So I went to the Y this morning & taught my usual cardio class at 6 a.m.  I wasn't feeling it too much, but got through the motions ok.  I did have SOME fun.  I introduced a bunch of Christmas music & it was hard to not smile & have fun.  It was also hard to not think about Joy and hold back some tears.  Luckily getting all sweaty helped mask any tears that fell.

Then I went back to the Y after I got the kids to school.  I had me a nice good run on the treadmill.  I don't know the last time I ran on a treadmill.  Sometime eariler this year?  Said subject is in the works for it's own post.  I knew I needed to take all this emotion and grief and just hammer it out on the machine.  I selected a treadmill in front of a tv that sported a channel that I like.  Not sure why, I didn't watch the tv at all.  I blared my music, losing myself to its sounds, rhythms & lyrics.  And I ran fast & hard.  Perhaps faster & harder than I have in months.  I also forgot my water bottle.  I didn't care.  I wanted to be thirsty.  I wanted to hurt.  I wanted this to be one bada** run.  After all, if my friend could fight cancer, I can certainly endure an intense 3.5 mile run.  Stupid cancer....take that 3.5 miles & SHOVE IT!  *ptttttttth*

I promise to give you a nice post on my beautiful friend Joy.  For now, I leave you with a photo of us together.  She was such a good friend and I will miss her.