Thursday, May 10, 2012

TTT: Joy....Joy....Joy.....

A day ago I had no idea what I was going to blog about.  Would I even have 3 things to share with you?  When in doubt....things WILL come to you, sometimes in least expected ways.

*Joy. I have been missing my friend Joy something fierce these last few days.  It always tend to ebb & flow.  I always miss her, sometimes I just don't think about it or it doesn't seem to bother me as much.  Months ago when Joy died I had blogged about it once.  I had always intended to blog about it some more, but it just never came.  I like to keep it real on my blog and not fake or stage certain topics just because I said I would.  Unknowingly though Joy, or my thoughts/memory of her IS what brought on this topic today.  A few reasons why:

I just ordered and received a new batch of Bondi Bands this week.  Because apparently having over a dozen is NOT enough.  (Stayed tuned though I have a BB giveaway next week!!!!)   I had ordered me a band that say JOY on it.  I was going to order one that says CANCER SUCKS! in her memory, but since I found one with her name on it, I would rather dwell on her &  her wonderful life and not the awful illness that ripped her from our arms in less than 6 months time.

In choir last night we sang/rehearsed 2 songs that focused on the word Joy.  At first I sang automatically then the words kept pounding into my soul.  When I paused to reflect on the word, I got goosebumps and about had a break down.  I held it together though.  I don't know if many of my fellow choir members know about this and I didn't want to explain to them why I was suddenly crying.

Early this morning I awoke from an intense dream.  It's one thing to wake up from a dream and another when you are engulfed in the feelings from the dream.  Of course, Joy was the center of my dream.  I was chatting with her.  At first it was a normal natural thing to do.  You see a good friend, you chat with her.  Mid conversation though I realized....wait a minute....Joy is dead, how can I possibly be talking to her, but I continued on anyway.  Yeah, insert Twlight Zone music.  I began to think I was going crazy so I turned to another lady who said to me...."my isn't she chatty".  Ah-ha!  So maybe Joy wasn't dead?!?!?  If someone else saw & heard her & not just me then I'm certainly not crazy.  Pretty soon though my husband comes up to me and tells me how I need to stop talking as if someone was there.  Apparently he could not see or hear Joy, but could see me sitting there chatting with no one.  I know....I know....none of it makes sense.  But it was so real in my dream and I tried to explain to him how she was RIGHT THERE!  So real, so close.  Siiigh, it makes me want to hug her right now!!!!

*Joy  I'm a walking emotional time bomb.  I'm a pretty emotional person.  I cry at anything, sad or happy.  Thanks to some medication that I have been on for the last 5 years or so I have been pretty leveled off when it comes to emotional outburst.  It just keeps me evenly flowing from day to day.  I probably still tear up at least once a day, but no big tears and it's much easier to keep in check.  However, the downside is that this emotion all tends to build up.  Sooner or later I have a huge emotional break down.  HUGE!  It's usually in private and usually when I least expect it.  I feel it building.  These last few days & my constant thoughts of Joy are not helping.  (I seriously almost lost it a few minutes ago).  I think my lack of running is also playing a big part.  I may not cry, but I can have a deep intense run where I just hammer things out and end feeling like I had cried for a good spell.  I'm not getting that out in anyway shape or form.  I am having some good long biking sessions.  Honestly though I have been using that time to read.  Perhaps I need to sweat it out long & hard on a bike and focus on this emotion building.  I don't want biking to replace my running, but for now it will have to do.  Yep, trying to find Joy in my absence of running.

*Joy  On a good, positive, non emotional note.  I'm very thrilled that I have lost some weight recently.  I'm telling you this at the wrong time, because I haven't posted my vlog about it.  In a big picture, round about way, this is what I had been wanting to vlog about, but had put off.  Then I DID vlog and had technical difficulties and couldn't load it last week.  This week I was on the ball, had it all loaded and ready to slap on a post for y'all yesterday.  However, hubby took the day off and we had so much to get done, blogging was not one of them.  If you want to cheat you can see the video on my youtube channel, but I won't post and talk about it until next Wednesday.  I'm finding such joy in losing weight though more because of the changes I'm making.  Good positive changes that needed to come regardless of weight.  More on that next week!

I encourage you to find the joy in your life.  Joy can be found in anything....the good and the bad, the hard and the easy, the ups and the downs.  Tell me about your joy....I'd love to hear about it!

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